Stop The Burnout: The 'Be Perfect' Driver That's Draining Your Life

I am absolutely delighted to share this powerful piece by counsellor Angela Miller. So many of us, especially women in midlife running high pressure lives, feel the intense internal pressure to be perfect, which drains your energy and makes setting boundaries impossible.

Angela uses the accessible framework of Transactional Analysis to explain the 'Be Perfect' driver and how we can finally start choosing progress over perfection and authenticity over burnout. This deep dive into our emotional drivers is the perfect complement to the habit and physiological work of my one to one wellness & coaching program, The Reset Method.

By Angela Miller, Transactional Analysis Counsellor working with individuals & couples

When I was asked to write a blog for Antonia’s website, my first reaction was delight, closely followed by panic! Being recognised by Antonia, whose authenticity and commitment I truly respect, felt genuinely validating. As I started to write, that warm feeling of recognition quickly gave way to a familiar flutter of self-doubt. What if it’s not good enough? What if I’m not good enough?

Suddenly, what had started as a lovely opportunity became something quite daunting. I wanted to get it right, perhaps too right! That was my first clue that my old companion, the 'Be Perfect' Driver had joined the party!

The gift and the Pressure of Recognition

As I sat down to write, I found myself living out the very concepts I often explore with

clients. I found myself contending with two distinct internal processes, both of which are familiar companions in moments of self-doubt. That nagging sense of not being good enough quickly surfaced, accompanied by worries about whether my thoughts would hold any interest in others. These doubts only served to deepen my writer's block.

In Transactional Analysis, the concept of 'Recognition Hunger' centres on our intrinsic need to be acknowledged, seen, and valued by others. This need for recognition is addressed through what TA describes as a ‘Stroke’—a unit of recognition or affirmation. The way we give, receive, and seek out these strokes is essential to our emotional wellbeing and plays a significant role in shaping our self-perception.

When I was invited to contribute to this blog, it represented a genuine and positive stroke, an instance of authentic recognition. However, almost as soon as I felt the warmth of this acknowledgement, my attention shifted swiftly from feelings of appreciation to a sense of anxiety. This response reflects that, while recognition can be validating, it also has the potential to highlight the tension between how we accept ourselves in the world and how we believe others perceive us.

Alongside this, another significant process became apparent: my personal 'Be Perfect' Driver. This manifests as the belief that something is only worth doing if it is done perfectly.

Rationally, I understand that perfection is unattainable, but this awareness offers little comfort when the driver is in full force. It whispers quietly to me from my inner Parent and my Child attempts to please this narrative. Over time, I have recognised that my ‘Be Perfect Driver’ is particularly dominant. This does not mean I believe myself to be perfect; rather, I subconsciously hold the belief that I am only good enough when striving for perfection. This mindset can be overwhelming, especially regarding my sense of safety and how others perceive me, my need for recognition, if I fall short of my idealised standards.

In TA, Drivers and Injunctions are deep, often unconscious messages we absorb in early childhood. They shape how we behave, what we strive for and where we limit ourselves. These influential messages, delivered by our caregivers, go on to shape what is known in Transactional Analysis as our Script. This Script acts as a blueprint, guiding how we navigate and live out our lives. The patterns and beliefs instilled during our formative years often persist, influencing our thoughts, behaviours, and responses in adulthood. The Script is our internal life plan that has been written about who we need to be to feel safe and loved.

Importantly, while our Scripts provide a framework that shapes our worldview, they are not set in stone. Through self-awareness and therapeutic work, these patterns can be examined and challenged, allowing us the opportunity to choose different ways of responding. In Transactional Analysis, counsellors refer to this process as putting 'a different show on the road'. This means that with conscious effort and reflection, it is possible to move away from automatic patterns and create new, healthier approaches to life and relationships.

From an early age, I absorbed the notion that “a job is only worth doing if it’s done properly.” This deeply ingrained belief has often motivated me to pursue high standards and achieve positive outcomes. However, it also brings challenges. The same drive for perfection can sometimes cause me to withdraw, avoid tasks altogether, or hold back. There are times when it feels less daunting to not try at all than to risk being perceived as anything less than perfect. Recognising and becoming familiar with my own Driver behaviour has been a crucial step in

my personal development. Through this awareness, I have started to untangle many of the limiting patterns that previously kept me feeling stuck. This self-knowledge marks the beginning of meaningful change and growth.

Now, when my perfectionist voice emerges, ready to critique and find fault, I make a

conscious effort to acknowledge its presence. I thank it for its concern, reassure it that I can handle the situation, and then continue forward. This practice allows me to move past the pressure of perfection and embrace progress over unattainable ideals.

Reflecting on my experience of writing this blog, I was reminded of the therapeutic process and the way in which personal growth unfolds. The journey often begins with a sense of uncertainty, where familiar patterns and old habits re-emerge. Along the way, we are invited to meet these established ways of thinking and behaving, and, crucially, to learn how to interact with them differently.

For me, this process has meant gradually loosening the grip of perfectionism. Rather than striving for flawlessness, I have come to understand that it is authenticity, our willingness to show up as we truly are, that creates genuine connection with others. It is not the absence of mistakes that binds us, but the courage to be real.

Ultimately, the true value of recognition lies not in being perceived as perfect, but in giving ourselves permission to be seen just as we are. To be human is to be imperfect, and yet we remain entirely deserving of acknowledgment, affirmation, and, as Transactional Analysis would say, a stroke or two.

Understanding Ourselves through the Lense of transactional Analysis

As a Transactional Analysis (TA) Counsellor, I work with individuals and couples to support their personal growth and wellbeing. My sessions take place either online or in person from my home in East Lothian, offering flexibility to suit different needs. Depending on what each person wants to explore, our work together might be brief and focused or extend over a longer period for a deeper exploration.

A cornerstone of TA counselling is the emphasis on therapeutic contracting. At the outset, I work collaboratively with clients to understand what they hope to achieve from therapy. These goals then inform and guide the structure of our sessions, ensuring that our work remains purposeful and client-centred throughout the process.

Ethical practice is central to my work. Regular supervision is an integral part of my practice, offering a space to reflect on my client work and seek guidance when navigating any challenges that may arise. This commitment to professional standards and supervision not only safeguards my own practice but also ensures a safe and supportive environment for my clients. It is fundamental to my approach that what is brought into the therapy room centres entirely on the clients needs and experiences, rather than my own feelings or opinions.

One of the reasons I love Transactional Analysis, is that it offers an accessible yet powerful framework for understanding human behaviour. We are equipped with an extensive and practical therapeutic tool box. TA gives us a shared language for making sense of what’s happening inside and between us, which, as clients become more familiar with it, enables them to express and make sense of their experiences more accurately and with greater confidence. This shared vocabulary is instrumental in supporting clients as they navigate and articulate the challenges they face, ultimately empowering them to better understand themselves and their relationships.

If you would like to discover more about yourself and how you show up in your relationships at work and personally, I would love to hear from you.

Angela

www.angelamiller.co.uk

Instagram: angelamillercounselling